ethan returned today from basic training. I spent every night this summer writing to him. Writing to him about my life. I told him about every ex boyfriend, every struggle I’ve had in my life, and every thing in my life that’s made life worth living. He was gone for around three months, and in the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t seem like a long about of time, but these three months have healed me more than any other time in my life.
Everyone always talks about finding people in their life that don’t make them feel like an inconvenience, and Ethan provided that for me this summer. He let me write PAGES and PAGES of things i've held close to my heart for many years. I told him things I promised to never to speak about about, things i'd never spoken about out loud. But every time I sent a letter, I knew that it would be read carefully. That it would be cared for and every word written in it would be digested gracefully and with sympathy.
I've always felt like I am a better writer than speaker. I can accurately write my thoughts down than try to explain them through my physical words. this is why I write so many letters. But this summer was different. I was able to to go home every day and write down every part of my life that was happy and sad without any hesitation, because I knew Ethan wanted to hear about it.
Every important person in my life knew about this habit I grew accustomed to, from my mom to my best friend to my co worker. There was just so many great things to say about Ethan that I needed to share. I gave my mom updates on how Ethan was doing because she became so interested and concerned about a man she didn’t even know that she prayed for him and thanked him for the role he played in my life. My best friend was able to get a good enough grasp on how important he was in my life that she wanted me to bring him to her wedding. My co worker started reading the manga Ethan encouraged me to read because I talked about how much Ethan loved it. Without even trying, Ethan drove me closer to every person in my life.
Even though I didn't know that every letter was announced in front of everyone in Ethan's platoon, I'm glad ethan was able to find people in his company that made him feel like he had a piece of home with him. whether it was the other trainee that kept him excited over berserk or garcia, a trainee that called him "daddy carr", i was happy to read about every person ethan came into contact with that made him enjoy his time in missouri. after ethan told me that people in his platoon knew who i was, i got embarrassed. embarrassed over the fact that people knew my name...that they could secretly know how much i depended on ethan with all of my thoughts. despite that, he would tell me that his drill sergeant would as if he had received a letter from me and how his platoon says hi to me ( if by some miracle, people from his platoon sees this, HIII!! i would love to meet every single one of y'all!!), which granted me all the confidence and motivation to write him that much more.
When i first started writing ethan letters, i was excited that i was able to live out my best dear john fantasies. i was able to write letters to someone in the military that strictly relied on letters. dear john has always been one of my favorite movies, so i immediately pounced on the opportunity to write ethan letters the day he told me he'd be shipping out. but i never planned for how important these moments would be.
There are many friends in my life that I want to thank and write about. There are many people in my life that has shifted my destiny and my fate that I could not be more grateful for. With this being said, Ethan is the first friend I decide to thank on this blog. I chose to celebrate his amazing achievement and perseverance to be a better person and to go above and beyond as a person, soldier, and friend. We can all benefit from a person like Ethan, I hope you find your Ethan.
with all my love,
♡steff
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