my mom became a mother at 21. she graduated high school at 16, finished college & commissioned in the army by 20, & started her masters & motherhood at 21. i just turned 20, & by “just turned” i mean i can still feel the sweetness of my teenage years on my skin & the kindness of my youth still. i couldn’t imagine having a kid a year from now, i couldn’t imagine providing for anyone other than myself & kenni at this age…how could i? i’ve lived with roommates, have enjoyed my youth through nights out with friends until the sun came up & ignored more responsibilities than i’d like to admit to chase memories that would last a lifetime.
i wish i could give 20 year old glenda a hug. despite her hatred of me saying anything remotely to this, i wish i could tell her she doesn’t need to get married & have kids, even though my brothers & i wouldn’t exist, but maybe she could get to, as i gave her the tightest hug. the one thing i know to be more than true is my mom's love for my brother & i. as i grew up, she always reminded me that my life would be prioritized before her's, that she would give her life up for mine, &, if it came down to it, to pick myself over her, all in the name of love. i get chocked up thinking about all the times she’s said something along these lines, i don’t wanna live in a world where glenda doesn’t exist.
the one thing i wish i could give glenda is her youth back. i wish i could exchange all the lovely & unforgettable nights for her lack thereof. i always tell her that we probably wouldn’t have been friends if we were the same age as young adults, but i wish i could have been her friend to show her all the best parts of life that don’t include the prioritization of someone else’s survival. glenda has always wanted to be a mother & she has been more than anything i could’ve asked for, between her sacrifices & love, i cannot begin to describe the life she has bestowed to me; she has done a marvelous job raising three kids all on her own.
but, like a lot of people, i find myself feeling guilty. she has done nothing to make me feel like i was ever a burden, she has actually done the exact opposite, but i wish she lived life a little bit more. i wish she got to enjoy her 20s with less detrimental responsibilities & extra stress that comes with marriage & kids. my mom has been a mom more years than she hasn’t been one, meaning she never got to be the reckless, emotional, & carefree young adult i am now.
i never take the life i live for granted & i thank her for her sacrifices & gratitude by becoming the best versions of myself & making enough memories in my life for the both of us & to one day keep me warm when the years of life age & i'm laid on my bed to rest. glenda sacrificed everything so my brothers & i could have it all. so, i wish i could give her a hug, tell her that she will never be alone for as long as we’re both alive, & that she will always have a friend in me. my mom deserves more than i could give her right now, but i hope to one day give her all the life experiences she didn’t have 30 years ago & give her new ones for the two of us to enjoy & make together. tell your mom, or whoever you consider mom (it could even be your dad), you love her & give her a hug.
with all my love,
♡steff
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