when i saw an ex for the last time a couple years ago, we spent the night together. we had stayed in an airbnb that allowed us the privacy, which we excused for secrecy, we wished for from our friends & families. in good fashion, we pretended to be married, we told our airbnb host that he was my husband, trying to nurture the last bit of love & decency we had for the future we spent our relationship hoping for. as we fell asleep, we talked about whether it would be easier if one of us left in the morning without waking the other up. we wondered if sneaking off into the silence & darkness of the early morning would make it more tolerable to accept our fate, but we realized there will always be quiet sunlit places in the world, & we would one day find our way back to them in the end--there was no point in rushing the inevitable end when we could choose to stay in bed together a little longer.
in the years that followed, i always wondered if that had been a plea for our own self-preservation. if it would’ve been better to have left all the ruins of our relationship stacked neatly & gracefully, hopefully, for us to one day think of our previous relationship in fondness. i wondered that if either one of us slipped away noiselessly into the early morning, if we left with no evidence of ever being together, would it permit us the space we rather had not ask for.
instead, we woke up to the sun beaming through our bedroom window. we got ready for the day together, packed our backpacks, & cleaned the room behind us--leaving what was left our dignity & relationship behind us. before we left, we hugged tightly, realizing that the chance of us never seeing each other again is higher than the chance of us ever seeing each other again in this lifetime. he kissed me on the cheek & opened my car door for me, & i drove away.
now, i don’t remember that much of him or of our relationship that doesn’t exist within photo form or video form. i don’t remember how he smells, how he laughs, or even the sound of his voice; i simply can’t imagine or remember any of it, but i do remember the last 12 hours we spent together…the last time i saw him, we spent those final moments together, & i still wonder which one us needed it the most.
with all my love,
♡steff
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