god, i love being a woman, no matter how much it hurts. there have been so many experiences in my life, more in the recent two years of my adulthood, that have taken my perception of love and has refined & i have cherished every part of it just because of the relationship i’ve had with the women.
the divine femininity is one of the purest elements of life as a woman & the way it is expressed never seems to surprise me in the genuine love women posses: putting on make up in the same mirror, crying to the swelling of music, loving candles, loving the breeze in the air, taking your hair tie off your wrist & give it to the girl in need, morning after recaps, & compliments from random nice girls out in public is the peace and harmony amongst sisterhood.
the women in my life remind me of the way i should be loved & have elevated the standards i have for my own love life and search for a significant other.
i want to feel as safe with a man as i do when i’m having a sleepover with my girl friends; laying in the same bed, no lights on, just the back & forth of a debrief at the end of a day, the soft sounds of giggling, & the secrets that fill the room. i visited my adoring friend grace this week, & it reminded of the peace & joy sleepovers give me. as an adult the amount of sleepovers i have have dwindled, but something that should always be done every once in a while. Falling asleep gossiping and sharing a blanket with someone I know loves me as much as I love them is the warmness I seek in my future with my future lover-something I hope you find in someone, someone that makes all the bad days still feel precious to be living because of the person next to you.
i find beauty in my roommates gathering around me as i sobbed over a silly situation. giving me tissues, rubbing my back, the gospel of “don’t cry, you’re so much better than him”, & the laughter in between tears of the jokes made that are larger than life. Im allowed to fall apart, allowed to feel every feeling wholly and without restraint, with the sympathy all emotions should be digested with.
at the end of my senior year, I was broken up with; after four years, I no longer was a girlfriend. This was incredibly hard for me the grieve and I refused to accept the fate that I had been handed. The morning after, I reached out to my friend, Riley. Riley is single handedly the reason why I am the person I am now, and why I was able to simply move on. I was still trying to get over my past relationship when we first became good friends. Her friendship made it a lot easier for me to move on, and I am eternally grateful for all the time we spent, and all the time she spent reminding me of my worth and the time spent wiping every tear that streamed from my face. I will be thankful for her being there for me when I was breaking down and being the sunshine while I spent many days being a cloudy and rainy day. crying over boys who will not matter in 2 weeks time, sharing horror stories with the intention of easing my mind, & finding the silver lining remind me that i should have a monumentous & passionate support system in a partner, the way i have had in these women.
showing up day in and day out to my army rotc company, whether it's for class, lab, pt, or field training, i always have my girls in the back of my mind. i gravitate to them and the underlining thank i have for them for choosing this career field inspires me to keep showing up. the army is incredibly male dominated & there are many times that our femininity is drowned out and overshadowed by the overwhelming presence that our male peers have some days. despite that, we rely on our male counter parts heavily and they are some of my best friends in my life, but they will never understand the inner workings of being a female in the military.
i trust my girls to pick me up when i fall down more than my male peers, i trust them to keep me more accountable, and, most importantly, i trust them to remind me of all the women that have come before me and that will soon come after me, stepping foot into the environment that we have built for them. empires weren't built over night and raising a child takes a village, and no one will support me more on the days that seem impossible than my army girls or build better conditions than the nurturing and caring women i work with everyday. they became my sisters-in-arms the moment our right hand rose to swear in & that oath will build a better future for those who come after us.
the facetime call i give to luciana to tell her every grueling, romantic, horrific, & beautiful detail of a story as she sits there in silence, eagerly listening. letting me interrupt my own storytelling by digressing into other miniature side stories, bringing up a memory that we shared the relates to my story, & completely forgetting the original point of my tangent that offer the example of patience i deserve in my next lover. her constant reassurance of my beauty, intelligence, & kindness, & how she gently speaks to me in times of crisis will be the standard i hold for how a man should speak to me.
Love knows no time and no distance. I last saw my best friend, brie, my senior year of high school. To put in perspective, I am now a sophomore in college, and she is about to graduate and commission for The Citadel. I was there when she committed to play soccer at The Citadel, I was there for her last homecoming, we were there for our first loves, and I will gladly and proudly be standing by her side on her wedding in may of this year. I have been apart from this girl for longer than we had been friends in person, teaching me the value of communication and effort.
Many relationships, at all levels, fail because of distance; our 15 and 17 year old selves knew the destiny the future of our friendship held because of our careers, but refused, even at that age, to be a reason for our failure in friendship. people lose some of their most relationships because of the miles in between them instead of failing because of emotional disconnect-they allow the physical disconnect ruin beauty and bondage. Brie and I have always understood the concept of distance and the crucial importance of time and effort put into friendship. No amount of distance will ever be enough or a reason enough to make not want to be with someone romantically because of the foundation my friendship with brie is built off of; no amount of distance will ever make me love my sister any less.
i will forever remember my best friend my senior year of high school. i will remember the days we would be sitting in a mcdonald’s parking lot, feasting on all the greasy goodness we knew we shouldn’t have been indulging in; knowing we had previously promised to eat better & keep each other accountable. we would chuckle in between every bite, feeling overly full and beyond satisfied in the comfort we felt in our skin while we were around each other.
both of us not seeing a single imperfection in the other, basking in each others genuinity & adoration, knowing that the other would never see themselves the way they deserved to be seen. these little moments with her taught me the importance of finding someone who makes you feel good in your skin even while doing the things that may not be completely beneficial for you in this life; to never let the physical traits of myself be praised more than the traits that aren’t seen, but instead experienced. I never felt more understood by another person as I did with her-all built for mutual insecurities of our own selves that were eased by the enjoyment of each other’s presence.
The devine féminite is one of the most priceless gifts I hold and share with every woman. I treasure the ability to sympathize the way I do, the way I feel and process emotion, and the immediate comradery I feel with every female I run into in this lifetime. The women in my life, and those that were once in it, have completely warped and enhanced the way I want to be loved, not only by men, but by myself. I found my version of love in the ladies that have loved me; their love is unapologetically and hauntingly real and the remrinecne of their love will be carried and valued by me for the rest of my life.
with all my love,
♡steff
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