this is an entry i wrote at the end of august. there are many entries that don't make it onto the blog for a number of reasons: some aren't written as passionately as the other pieces on this blog, some are just really terribly written, and in this case, i was too worried how others would interpret this piece. two weeks ago, i went back and edited it as if i was going to post and just put it in the drafts/to-post pile. i re-read what i had written four months ago and stand astonished of the mindset i was once in...& a huge part of me is proud of this mindset. i originally didn't want to post this because of how cold it felt to me, as a person. i shut out a very normal feeling everyone has because of the dedication and grind i had; i believed that there was no room for distractions, whether it was an activity or people. i am glad to have gone through this and have changed many parts of the balance in my last since august.
enjoy:)
many signs point me towards the conclusion that i’m not ready for a relationship. as selfish as it sounds, ten times out of ten, i’m going to choose what’s best for me & my career over any potential significant other that i may have right now. i’ve had this conversation with my friends a lot; most of the conversations sparked over the shock my friends have over me telling them that i’m NOT dating anyone or that i don’t want to date right now, which is humbling and embarrassing all in itself. there has been a voice in the back of my mind for the past five months that hasn’t allowed me to focus on anyone other than myself and what i’m working towards. hell, it was strong enough to push me to give my dog, Jeff, away to another family, despite him being my best friend and companion.
i’ve never had a dream or goal that has ever terrified me. in high school, i chose goals that i KNEW i would achieve. applied to schools i knew i’d get into, applied for positions i knew i’d get, had fitness goals that were in the realm of my capabilities, which to some, all of these accomplishments were of high value and prestige, but i never picked a goal that made me consider, “is this even possible? am i capable of accomplishing this?” this one goal i have in motion right now has been unbelievably detrimental to me. it required me to turn my life so far around that, sometimes, the piece of myself that is proud of this change is scared of the realization of how serious i am taking this goal. only a handful of people know about this goal too, whether it's a projection of the fear i won’t accomplish it or the embarrassment i would have with telling people and failing, it has led me to keep my mouth shut about it.
when i was younger, and when I mean “younger”, i mean high school, i knew i wasn’t ready for a relationship but continued to be in one. i wasn’t ready for commitment, i didn’t know how to express and process my feelings correctly, i was bad at communicating, and i was WAY too insecure to be in a relationship...but who isn’t when they’re 16? now things are different. i’ll be turning 20 soon, i’ve learned a lot about my own higher self that makes me believe that, “yes, i am ready for a relationship”, but the same part of me that doesn’t allow me to go out at night with my friends, cancels plans with others to do homework, and prioritizes my workouts over anything else, is what will keep me from getting into a relationship in the near future.
i’ve come to value friendships more than anything else in the past couple months. i was someone who wanted to have a ton of friends, which left me with a “quantity over quality” population of friends. i can count on my hands how many friends I’m still regularly talking to from high school, and these are the same people who know what I’m trying to do (to this group of people, thank you). i want the friends i have now to accomplish every dream they have, while still being able to support me as much as i support them; this new realization to friendship has put having friends over a relationship, as far as priorities go. a huge factor in that is that when I feel like I respect someone too much, i will never consider a relationship with them despite whatever feelings i am having towards them; to me, there is no point in risking being in their life in the long-term as their friend, than the potential short-term as their girlfriend.
i am also a person who has grown out of believing in "fate" or "destiny", and have determined that i am in control of my life. the things that happen in life are a reflection of your own hard work and opportunity, and i used to heavily rely on my own version of "luck" or believing that "everything happens for a reason", and to some extent this is true and i do still believe in some parts of that statement. but as an adult, i see all the effort i've given towards things in the past, and i'm self accountable enough to know that it was not enough to be the person i want to be...the person i know that i can be. in the last five months, i have ignored and denied any and all possible opportunities that did not DIRECTLY help me propel me further, and i was happy and ecstatic to do so. but this mentality was at the expense of many of my relationships and reputation, as i became OBSESSED with doing all the right things.
will i be giving a relationship a chance in the near future? no. it’s a typical “it's not you, it's me” thing, but i’ve never wanted so badly to work out before. naively, when i first started dating, i always put my partner above my own wants and desires. i value compromise and sacrifice, and i genuinely believed that relationships require the upmost amount of sacrifice to measure my love…this is not true and i know that now. i don’t regret the decisions i made in wanting better for my partner, it was my way of showing love; i felt that pushing them forward and towards greatness would also put the two of us in the best position to be the best versions of ourselves together. i always took pride in my boyfriends being the best version of themselves when they were with me, but I have come to learn that they will get older and find the best versions of themselves over time, not because of anything i did (alexa, play drake’s verse in “Wait For Me”, by future, featuring drake), but because of the elements of time, maturity, and their own internal drive.
i want to encourage you to make yourself uncomfortable, to take the time to find people who push you towards the uncomfortable and challenging end of life, and that you find the parts of yourself that make you want to be a better version of yourself. i am in no means saying or implying that i have everything figured out or that i am too good for a relationship, i just feel a sense of maturity, self-accountability, and pride in myself for acknowledging this side that i had never invested my own time into. i hope to one day announce this achievement with every single one of you and follow through with the word i’ve said to do.
with all my love,
♡steff
(written: 25 august 2022)
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