buying a dog is like buying a small tragedy. we all know what we’re getting ourselves into when we buy a dog or pet. we become their entire lives while they become a sliver of ours. i’ve had two dogs by the age of 20, jeff & kenni, & i have loved them the same, just differently.
i got jeff december of 2021. it was my freshman year of college, i was in tampa for winter break, & i was going through one of the loneliest times i had ever gone through. despite the love i have for florida state now, that december, i felt differently of tallahassee. i hated being there, i felt like i wasn’t achieving all the things i was capable or “meant” to be doing. on top of that, i got into an argument with my mom the night before i got jeff & as she scolded me on god knows what we were arguing about, i thought “i’m an adult now” & wanted to act like one. with little to no real thought process, i got in my car the next morning with some friends & headed to the animal shelter.
jeff & i immediately clicked when i first laid eyes on him. he looked so desperate to leave, i heard it in his howls & saw it in his eyes; this little brown hound felt like the breath of fresh air i had been begging for. when i got jeff, i realized that as long as we were together, i would never think about the greener grass on the other side because jeff was the GREENEST grass i could’ve ever asked for. we spent our first christmas together in my moms apartment, i welcomed the new year in my tallahassee apartment with just jeff, & i never slept in my bed alone.
i had a hard time trusting people in this phase in my life due to an event that occurred in the early days of december of 2021. i isolated myself from my friends & family, & more times than not, i spent my days with jeff…only jeff. the owners who previously owned jeff abused him. it was obvious in the burn marks on his skin, his fear of men, & the terrible trembles he got at night while he slept. i wanted to protect jeff as much as i knew he wanted to protect me; loving jeff made me learn to love myself.
in may of 2021, jeff bit me in the face. i put my face too close to his face when he was having a nightmare & in between the daze of his dream and waking up, the terror & fight or flight instincts kicked in & he bit me. he immediately whimpered after realizing what he had done & i could feel his apology with every step he took closer to me. i know he didn’t mean to bite me, & no matter how badly i wanted jeff & i to stay together, i knew that the stitch in my face would be the difference between us being together & not.
jeff will always be my first baby, the first being to truly be mine. august of 2022, three months after the incident, i gave him to a family who could give him the life i couldn’t give him. at the time, getting into west point was an obsession & i wanted the following couple months to be dedicated to applying. my mom didn’t want to keep him in her house, so giving him to another family was my only option. i think about my life now, how sacrificing jeff played a role into me getting my appointment to west point…how i wouldn’t be where i am today without his entry into & exit out of my life.
i now sit here, a year & a half since i first got jeff, with my sweet girl kenni. she sleeps on my lap as i write this & i think of how different everything is now: my mom bought me kenni for christmas after months of “i miss jeff” texts. kenni came from a puppy store, instead of a shelter like jeff. kenni has never been abused & came into our lives with nothing but excitement & thrill; i’m in a better place emotionally, mentally, & spiritually, unlike the shambles of a person i was when i got jeff. but, some things have stayed the same between the both of them: they both became my ultimate companion, they both showed me what unconditional love looks like, &, just like jeff, i must leave kenni behind in the name of fulfilling a higher purpose at west point.
jeff & i both healed all the parts of each other that needed the time, love, & support we provided each other. kenni got the version of me that was a better mom to her because i was mature enough to do so. i love kenni just as much as i loved jeff, i just love her differently. i love her because she reminds me to go outside everyday, reminds me to open the windows & let the sun in, & she reminds me to share my life with others. i loved jeff because he taught me that it was okay to take time for myself, he gave me comfort & company on the nights that were too hard to deal with on my own, & reminded me that no matter what happened in our past, it can’t hurt us in the present.
i have been the mother to two amazing companions in the last two years. i have greeted them both with open arms, knowing that one day in the future a “goodbye” must be said. on the first day i got both of them, i knew how this would all end: a small tragedy. but that’s the point isn’t it? it’s about what you give the dog & what you get in return.
one day i will blink & i will be on my third fluffy friend, & i will try to find jeff & kenni inside of them. in that moment, i will remember that i will love that dog just as much as my first and second dog, but for different reasons; be the person your dog needs you to be.
with all my love,
♡steff
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