in another life, we sat across from each other at the dinning table & drank our morning coffee together, but in this one i went to school & i never talked to him again. time is one of the scariest things we, as people, can experience. so much can happen in a blink of an eye: someone swerved into a lane, caused an accident that ended their life; you missed your flight by two minutes, met the love of your life at the airport; last minute decided to transfer out of your dream school, you got the job you’ve always wanted. time will continue to pass & it’s up to you to pass with it.
love & timing are horrible mistresses. you are going to love someone, shamelessly & passionately, & time just won’t align to get to the end goal. the end state for the two of you will no longer fall within parallel lines. they were intersect & then y’all will go separate ways; it happens to the best of us. the most harmful thing you could do in that moment is promise to wait for someone who is not ready. it will leave you in a state of hope, you will linger on for it for some time, &, eventually, you will start to resent that hope.
one thing people don’t come to terms with is that, usually, they will move on. a boy i once loved moved on &, the moment he did, was my face realization that he is no longer mine. analyzing it after a considerable amount of time, i do not deny that i loved him, but i wonder if i loved him because he loved me or if i just loved him for what i believed love to be at the time--i choose the latter. it is hard to face the music, face the fact that your story with them tis truly over. for the present & the future, the best thing i can do for him is hope that beautiful things happen to him, & when they do, hope he believes that he is worthy of every single one of them. one day i’ll understand the big picture: why we met, why we ended, why our lives were never meant to be together. i’ll understand all the ends & outs of the chances we took, the mistakes we made, & how that pain will nourish the courage to try again with someone else one day.
in the time we spent apart, i spoke into the universe, hoping it’d reach him. i ran from the love i had for him once he was gone, until it found me in the middle of a sunny street on a beautiful day. it met me abruptly, gently holding me captive in an embrace filled with the grief i pushed aside. that grief served as love’s souvenir, the proof that what i felt was hauntingly real. i loved well, & grief was the receipt i waved in the air that proved that i had paid the price for it. i still wake up some days & wish to tell him things. i think about how i hoped he would take the time to find out more about himself, get his life together, & that we would meet on the other side of the reality we were living in (spoiler alert: we never did & that’s okay). my separation from him is permanently impermanent: he is with me but he will never be here again.
you are deeply lovable, even if they didn’t want to love you anymore. you are deeply loveable, even if they found someone else to spend the rest of their life with. & you are deeply loveable, even if they never talk to you again. the ending of your relationship does not go to say anything about you or the love they once had for you. so, maybe instead of thinking about all the loss you just experienced, & the solution to that problem, redirect yourself to think about adding additional good things to your life—one at a time your pile of good things will grow in the vacancy of what you once lost. after some time, suddenly, it’s december & you think of them softly from time to time. change is hard, but staying somewhere you don’t belong will destroy you because they will move on... & so should you.
with all my love,
♡steff
留言