in honor of me turning 20, I thought I would pass on the top 20 things I have learned in 20 years. i have had a hell of a twenty years on this rock of a planet we call earth, and these are all the things I wish I could’ve came into this world knowing. I have always feared turning twenty and I realized that it came from a place of doubt and the of feeling unpreparedness for what this decade of my life has to offer. There's a good chance that by the end of this decade I will be married, have little versions of my lover and myself running around, and have some important people pass away, but that is nothing to fear. I have loved the past two decades and I am more than confident that I will love the decades to come just as much.
take what you need from this list, enjoy:)
1. treat your future self like a best friend.
Regardless of all this, you should already be treating yourself like a friend you care about, but we should live life in service to out future selves. You want to do special things for your friends, do things for them that makes them breathe easier & sleep better at night…or at least I hope you do. Take this mentality and apply it to your short term and long term self. Pick out your outfit for the next day the night before, after a night out, chug water like it is your job to avoid the hangover the next day, do your homework early, and prepare for your job interview. These are all things that will make future you want to give past you all the hugs and kisses & make them love life just that much more.
2. treat your dating life like a hair salon.
In my experience, when I get one bad haircut or bad color job from my hair stylist, I never go back to them. It's not because I hate them or think they meant any harm, I just have the belief that if they did it once, the chances of them doing it again are extremely high, & i refuse to look like a clown twice if it was avoidable. Now let’s flip the narrative and apply this to the people in our life that have previously hurt us, intentionally and unintentionally. I am one for second chances and I do believe in people changing, but I always take their change with a grain of salt; if they give you a bad haircut once, they’ll probably do it again, so let’s try & not go back to it. I recently gave someone a second chance in my love life, with the hope of a change in behavior and change in heart. & despite the good intention behind our relationship, the way we ended the first time happened once again…I should’ve never went back. As consumers, we are so quick to put our foot down when professionals mess up our haircuts, accidentally make our hair orange instead of strawberry blonde, wax off a little bit too much of our eyebrows off, and make our fades look like a layer of bedrock…keep the same energy when someone manipulates you, makes empty promises, and, ultimately, disappoints you.
3. EHAP.
everything has a place, an acronym made by my ex roommate and i our freshman year of college in a strozier library study room when we should’ve been studying for our exams & final projects. The EHAP mentality is easier said that done and comes with self-discipline & intentionality. When living in a space, make it easier for yourself to follow EHAP by already having a place for EVERYTHING & reminding yourself to NOT PUTTING THINGS DOWN, and instead PUTTING IT AWAY. It will serve you greatly & your clean space will thank you for it.
4. life plans change.
I am no stranger to the results of life plans changing. I have always been a five year & ten year plan type of gal and I got my life rocked overnight when I had to throw my deliberate and methodically planned out life out the window. when I had to let go of that version of my future from my mind that I had grown so attached to, I grieved, & I grieved hard. I grieved for the friends I had to leave behind, & for the places and experiences that I would no longer be apart of. & as I said goodbye to all the things I THOUGHT were meant for me, I realized that it was just so I could make room for the things that ARE meant for me. “When god closes a door, he opens a window”.
5. make friends with people who would bring up your name in a room of opportunity.
The gatekeeping culture has become so normalized & excused, and I can’t blame them for it. Knowledge is power and knowing the right people can only propel you towards your goals in this life. But when it comes to the people in your life that you genuinely love and that love you, mentioning them in a room of opportunity they are absent in will show where your loyalties lie and vice versa. You should surround yourself with people you could trust to have your best interest and you should keep the company you would do this for.
6. it is just food.
food is something worth enjoying, so you should act like it. This is such a sensitive topic for a large majority of the population, you are not alone. Throughout life, you are going fluctuate in weight, you will go through phases in life when food looks too good not to eat and when your body looks too gross to never want to eat again. Never let your mind convince you that you do not deserve to eat, YOU CANT LIVE A FULL LIFE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH; there are plenty of other things in this life that will make you feel poorly, never let your hunger become one of them.
7. good things only happen to you if you believe you deserve them.
I have never been one of those girls that sat in my room and rewrote my dreams & aspirations over and over again in a notebook in the name of manifestation, but I am the type of girl that believes in exuding good so that good can find you. If you believe you deserve nothing good in this life, you will probably never receive all the good this life is trying to offer you. if you love life, life will love you back and there are still so many amazing things that are awaiting your arrival, you just have to believe you can accept them.
8. someone will always hate you. consider it a compliment.
You can’t stop everyone in this world from hating you. Sometimes you won’t be someone's cup of tea. Maybe it was something you said, did, believe in, or, maybe, it’s your existence alone. Regardless of the reason why someone doesn’t like you, change the narrative. People not liking you should never lead you to the belief that there is something wrong with you, because a lot of the time, you are just doing something right, so take it as a compliment. Flattery is shown in many mediums, and sometimes, hatred is one of those mediums. Don’t take it personally, jesus had judas.
9. you are not handy manny, stop acting like it.
Unless you are on craiglists trying to find work, you should not be voluntarily trying to fix something that you have no business in or didn't break. There are a lot of experiences in this life that will break people and drive them into insanity or to hurting those around them. This is not something you should feel the obligation to fixing, the only person who will truly heal them is themselves. People with this “fixer-upper” mentality are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, but it tends to come with the expense of damaging themselves. when an airplane is experiencing malfunction in the atmosphere, oxygen masks drops and you are instructed to put your mask on first before helping those around you…you shouldn’t sacrifice your own well-being for someone who doesn’t want to put their mask on at all.
10. admire someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.
It is incredibly easy to point out all the things that you don’t love about yourself while seeing all the things you love in someone else. Christmas lights are just as pretty as sunsets, but they are completely different. Your mind can be a nasty place to live in sometimes, but your body is the only vessel you will have in this life and you should spend the days you have on this earth appreciating and coming to love it. Compliment and admire those around you, but never forget to give yourself the same treatment in return. there’s no point in spending decades of this life hating yourself when you could spend it hating global pollution or racism; there are more important things to hate other than yourself.
11. keep a “times my friends made me feel loved” entry in your notes app.
In my notes app, I have an entire list FULL of all the times the people in my life have made me feel loved and special. on a bad day, this will remind you of the good days that have come before and give you hope for the better days that have yet to happen. people around you love you & it should never go unnoticed. Every once in a while, I will go back to this list and it gives me the validation that I have picked the right people to consider a friend, you should remind yourself of all the times you have been loved.
12. people come in & out of your life like busboys in a restaurant.
Think of all the restaurants you have dined at and all the waiters and busboys you have interacted with. Now think of all the people in your life that you once considered a friend and no longer speak to. Those numbers seem to be quite similar, right? You will come into contact with some waiters that have the best jokes, the kindest words and the best services. you will also have friends that made you feel loved, brought you soup when you were sick, and celebrated all the monumental moments in life. But they all ended up with the same fate: absence. & this is okay. It's okay to leave behind friendships that no longer serve you in order to make room for the people who are meant to bring you new forms of happiness & satisfactions. Give thanks to those who have shown you grace and hospitality at one point in your life, and welcome those who will bring new energy and care.
13. you haven’t met all the people you are meant to love in this life.
Every time I meet a new person that ends up meaning a great deal in my life, I remind myself of all the people that are yet to come. It gives me hope for better days with more people. I think of how I believed that losing the friend group from my freshman year of college was the end of the world; I mourned the laughs we all shared and outings we all experienced. But time did what it does best, and it passed by and healed all wounds, and with enough patience, time, and growth, I found the people that had more to offer me, broader shoulders for me to lean on, and kinder words to speak to me in times of need. I have fallen in love with many people platonically and there are still many years left to find all the people I am meant to fall in love with.
14. when you think of someone, text them.
don’t miss opportunities to make someone feel good about themselves. Life moves quickly if you don’t take the time to reminisce and entertain the past versions of yourself and those who once used to exist with it. Whether it’s someone you haven’t spoken to in many years or someone you saw a few minutes ago, send them a text saying hello. It has become ridiculously easy to communicate with each other, take advantage of it! What a time to be alive in a world where we can show our love to someone half a world away.
15. be the one who cares more.
Normalize being the person in a relationship who cares more. We have allowed ourselves to take shame when we find ourselves caring more for someone, but how dare we shame ourselves for full heartedly and genuinely loving someone enough to put in more effort in it. If one day things go south with someone you loved more than they loved you, you can at least sleep at night knowing you couldn’t have loved them any more. be the person who answers their text messages, shows up to their obligations and commitments, shows up for their people; be the person who doesn’t play games or the kind who leaves people to guess their stance with you. The last thing this world needs us another person who thinks they are too cool to show their love for the people they claim.
16. blood is not always thicker than water.
I am beyond proud to say that my family is not only made up by people I inherited by bloodline but also those who have chosen me to trust the way I have done with them. I have come to meet people in my twenty years that I would give my life breath of air for that only came into my life through right timing and faith. I have confided more in people that are not my blood than those who are. I have made my own family in those who have no obligation to me. You are allowed to make a new family, make room for more people to be your family, or to add to your already standing family. There is always room for love and I love these people as if we came from the same ancestors and parental figures.
17. know the power of right timing.
There is such things as “right person, wrong timing”. I have met some people in my life, platonically and romantically, that I believe would’ve done so much better in a different time in life. Distances, life plans, and maturity has a big factor in this mentality. It’s okay to admit this to yourself, no point in living in denial, but the best thing you can do is put hope and trust back into the universe. This person(s) will come back to you if you are meant to go down that road with. Challenge your patience and love with time and space, only good things can come from this.
18. carry a camera with you everywhere you go.
One day my kids will want to see all the versions of me that used to exist before their existence and I can’t wait for them to one day ask because I know I will have enough photos and videos for them to feel like they walked in my life. Stories are always told better with visual aids and I encourage you to take as many pictures as possible. There are so many moments worth capturing and remembering and you should never apologize for wanting to preserve it. Keep the ugly pictures of you, glorify the sites you have seen, reminisce in the outfits and people you once you used to have, and idolize the beautiful pictures of yourself. I have never regretted ever taking out my phone to take a picture of something, and you shouldn’t either.
19. a dog really can be your best friend.
I have the honor and privilege to have been the owner of two dogs: Jeff & Kenni. Both of these beings stumbled into my life and I could not have asked for a better companion or being to make memories with. These dogs taught me valuable lessons; time management, responsibility, and the sweetness of loneliness. Your dog, or pet, will not be in your life forever, but you are their life and they act like it. I have never known unconditional love the way I have felt from my two lovely puppies. This life is too short to not experience the love of an animal.
20. keep an open mind.
ignorance will get you nowhere in this life, so accept the help, accept the advice, and follow through with it. people mean so well a good chunk of the time and there is so much left to learn from those around you or a stranger in the streets. everyone has their own story and life experience that is worth listening to you. i learned more about myself and how i want to love those around me in an eight hour conversation with a boy my last day at florida state than i had in the two years i had been there...all because i listened to the things he had to say. stop hearing people out, and start listening, it will only do you a great deal of favors in the end.
I want to thank God, my family, and my friends for the last twenty years. you are capable of creating the life you can’t stop thinking about; there is no point in living in your head when you can live it in the real world. I cannot wait to see what the decades ahead of me have in store for me, but if it’s anything like the last two, it’s going to be one hell of time. Here’s to many more rotations around the sun, thank you for all the birthday wishes !! Life has been unbelievably sweet & kind to me, & hope you experience it the same !
with all my love,
♡steff
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