my ultimate form of self sabotage is my attachment to my old life. my new life cost me my relationships, my friendships, & the comfort zone i built for myself from the ages of 18-20. leaving my old life completely cost me my ability to be liked & understood, & it cost me my sense of direction; i was lost & i had to find my way out. but nothing i mentioned ever matter in the first place though, right ?
none of it mattered because six months into this “new” life of mine, i have found that the people who are meant for me will meet me on the other side of “new”, i built a new comfort zone around the place that will get me a seat at the tables i want to sit at, & i know now, that i can be loved, & not just liked by those around me. in the end of my “old” life, all i ended up losing was a life i built for someone that no longer exists; i will never be the same person i was six months ago, & that’s okay.
i was terrified of changing, don’t let this confuse you with fearing change. i was never afraid of moving to a new state, starting at a new university, making new friends, or having a new life style; i was fearful of losing all the things that made me, ME. i was worried west point would make me not funny, make me uncaring, make me robotic, & make me unkind & cold. even though i spend a lot more time studying now than i used to, & i may not laugh as much as i used to, i do not feel changed in any significant way that would make me feel like my “old” life was way better; my “old” life was different, not better.
living in the present is hard, i struggled with letting go of the past because i am incredibly proud of my past. i am overwhelmingly proud of the life i built for myself in tallahassee. i grew up & matured in that city, why would i completely ignore how developmental those two years of my life were just because i moved away to chase another dream? to my classmates now, they might see my two years & not see how much time is in between our ages. when i was paying my apartment's rent & utilities, they were learning to drive. when they were graduating middle school, i was getting my license. i don’t say this to make myself seem superior to them because of my age, i say this to acknowledge that 730 days is a lot of time to change & evolve.
the two years between 18 & 20 will develop you more greatly than the years between 16 & 18, & 24-26. at 18, you are a new adult, conquering the new world as your own human being; you are responsible for yourself & that’s a lot to take in. i learned more from living on my own, independently managing my own time, paying bills & rent, & seeking out opportunities for myself, without anyone else’s help, from 18-20 than in another other time frame in my life. from 18-20, i learned what made Taina Steffany “Steff” and what made “Steff” Taina Steffany; i learned what i wanted my life to look like, how to take care of myself, how to make my mind a nice place to live, & how to get my dreams accomplished independently…& it all happened in tallahassee.
my new life DID cost me my old one, & i visit my old life through memories shared & pictures taken. i visit my old life like i would a grave yard-at the tombstone, i think about all the joy that life brought me & how i couldn’t have moved on without that version of myself that i buried when i left. but, i LOVE my new life. i love being able to look out my window & see the environment that i used to aspire to be in. i love knowing that the belief in myself & my capabilities got me my desired goal. i love thinking about how all the loved ones i left back home are rooting for my to succeed here. i love that everyday is challenging, because i get to go to bed satisfied. & i love that after these five years are up, i get to be a west pointer that came from the best university in florida.
if you sacrificed the life you were comfortable living in to do something the projects you forward in life, GOOD. FOR. YOU. you deserve recognition from the people back home who are making fun of you for leaving, from the people here who think you’re insane for choosing this instead of some other opportunity, and from the strangers you meet at bars who shake their head in disbelief when you tell them your walk of life. you will carry pieces of every life you’ve lived up until this moment with you, &, eventually, you will carry this version of yourself with you in the future. here at west point, i get to call many people from out of state my friends & one day, everyone, including myself, will understand why it had to happen.
i feeling like i have not changed, & that i have changed in every conceivable way, is an ever evolving cycle that allows you to keep going (dreaming) !
with all my love,
♡steff
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